What is my problem? PLEASE COMMENT MY ESSAY


EminK

Hi guys,
I'm practicing lawyer with 5 years of PQE. Specializing in commercial and corporate law. Graduated local leading law school.

I've got admitted to couple of law schools in US, but I think I will not go there. Acctually the universities where I would like to study, have rejected me and I think I will apply next year one more time :)

Here I would like you to review the draft of my essay and make your comments. Is it OK? What should I add or cut?

Thank in advance. Looking forward your open critique and comments.
I will apreciate very much the assistance and advices from admitted guys, their essays apparently are successful already. :)

N.B. I wouldn't advice someone to use any part of my essay for their own, because as I wrote above I've applied to some US, UK and Continental European Universities and they already have similar essay. The ones who willing to use my draft are risking to be rejected right away.

ESSAY

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Any thoughts friends?

Hi guys,
I'm practicing lawyer with 5 years of PQE. Specializing in commercial and corporate law. Graduated local leading law school.

I've got admitted to couple of law schools in US, but I think I will not go there. Acctually the universities where I would like to study, have rejected me and I think I will apply next year one more time :)

Here I would like you to review the draft of my essay and make your comments. Is it OK? What should I add or cut?

Thank in advance. Looking forward your open critique and comments.
I will apreciate very much the assistance and advices from admitted guys, their essays apparently are successful already. :)

N.B. I wouldn't advice someone to use any part of my essay for their own, because as I wrote above I've applied to some US, UK and Continental European Universities and they already have similar essay. The ones who willing to use my draft are risking to be rejected right away.

ESSAY

deleted
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any thoughts friends?
quote
plethora

Hi EMinK,

I think your essay is rather lengthy and not specific enough why you want to go to that particular school. The place where you have "XXX" in your essay can simply be replaced with any other school, don't you think?

Hi EMinK,

I think your essay is rather lengthy and not specific enough why you want to go to that particular school. The place where you have "XXX" in your essay can simply be replaced with any other school, don't you think?

quote
EminK

Hi EMinK,

I think your essay is rather lengthy and not specific enough why you want to go to that particular school. The place where you have "XXX" in your essay can simply be replaced with any other school, don't you think?


Thank you.
You absolutely right. I also think that I should to add something special regarding the Law Schools.
I know that I need to answer to the impied question like - Why XXX law school? itried to do it in essay, but now it's obvious that it's too general.

What should I do?

Length also is a problem. You know I subjectively don't know which part of the essay I should to eliminate or cut. It seems that if cut something I can lose very important information that I'm trying to convey.

<blockquote>Hi EMinK,

I think your essay is rather lengthy and not specific enough why you want to go to that particular school. The place where you have "XXX" in your essay can simply be replaced with any other school, don't you think?

</blockquote>
Thank you.
You absolutely right. I also think that I should to add something special regarding the Law Schools.
I know that I need to answer to the impied question like - Why XXX law school? itried to do it in essay, but now it's obvious that it's too general.

What should I do?

Length also is a problem. You know I subjectively don't know which part of the essay I should to eliminate or cut. It seems that if cut something I can lose very important information that I'm trying to convey.
quote
LLMblogger

Try to focus the statement and have some kind of a red line - do not recount your entire biography. Also, your English is very good, but there are some grammatical errors, which lawyers in particular are very sensitive to. Try to get a native English speaker to read through it. Good luck!

Try to focus the statement and have some kind of a red line - do not recount your entire biography. Also, your English is very good, but there are some grammatical errors, which lawyers in particular are very sensitive to. Try to get a native English speaker to read through it. Good luck!
quote
psag

Hi
i didnt read the whole doc as it was kind of lengthy
what i noticed in the beginning was that you are too detailed in ur description of ur experiences as a student
i dont think u have to get into details unless they are specific occassions that are very relevant to u choosing that field or that school
and i would suggest that you write the essay in an interesting manner that will enable the reader to hang on ur every word...like a story...

hope that helps

Hi
i didnt read the whole doc as it was kind of lengthy
what i noticed in the beginning was that you are too detailed in ur description of ur experiences as a student
i dont think u have to get into details unless they are specific occassions that are very relevant to u choosing that field or that school
and i would suggest that you write the essay in an interesting manner that will enable the reader to hang on ur every word...like a story...

hope that helps
quote
Santa

Don't put your essay online. Some admissions offices read this forum.

Don't put your essay online. Some admissions offices read this forum.
quote
Wheretogo_

for the love of god....lol

for the love of god....lol
quote
Wheretogo_

too much and sometimes is tedious...cut it short and don't get into discussions

too much and sometimes is tedious...cut it short and don't get into discussions
quote

I also skimmed rather than read closely, but would say that you should probably (a) tighten it up a bit so that it is more focused, (b) redraft to focus it on what precisely you mean to get out of your LLM, with this stated upfront rather than buried midway through, and (c) remove the statements denigrating your own country's legal system. On points (a) and (b), remember that admissions committees read through hundreds of these essays, so it is really important to state your focus up front and maintain the readers' interest throughout. On point (c), many universities are looking for foreign students who can provide alternative insights, so you don't want to come off as thinking that your system is backwards - there is a happy medium here, where you can say that you have a lot to learn from other systems without suggesting that your country is backward.

Again, did not read through your essay extremely closely, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

I also skimmed rather than read closely, but would say that you should probably (a) tighten it up a bit so that it is more focused, (b) redraft to focus it on what precisely you mean to get out of your LLM, with this stated upfront rather than buried midway through, and (c) remove the statements denigrating your own country's legal system. On points (a) and (b), remember that admissions committees read through hundreds of these essays, so it is really important to state your focus up front and maintain the readers' interest throughout. On point (c), many universities are looking for foreign students who can provide alternative insights, so you don't want to come off as thinking that your system is backwards - there is a happy medium here, where you can say that you have a lot to learn from other systems without suggesting that your country is backward.

Again, did not read through your essay extremely closely, so take my comments with a grain of salt.
quote
tato2010

Hi, I agree with most of the comments. I think it's a bit lenghty and lacks of order of ideas. You should tell your experiences but highlighting what you've learned from them, not the whole experience itself. For instance, when you tell about that presentation with the CEO, you should not exactly tell what you came up with and explain it, but rather tell what that meant for you or what it tells about your personality.

Also, I understand that you want to justif why you might not have excellent grades, but I dont think you should be so specific with not having money and having to work to keep studying. I know it might be true and I'm not saying you shouldnt mention that you came thru difficulties to finish school, but instead try to highlight other aspects of your person or your profile that can be interesting to a school, such as working for the government or pro bono work.

Finally, you definitively should ask a native speaker to check your essay, since it has some grammatical and drafting errors that, while minor, are very important to schools.

Best of luck,

Hi, I agree with most of the comments. I think it's a bit lenghty and lacks of order of ideas. You should tell your experiences but highlighting what you've learned from them, not the whole experience itself. For instance, when you tell about that presentation with the CEO, you should not exactly tell what you came up with and explain it, but rather tell what that meant for you or what it tells about your personality.

Also, I understand that you want to justif why you might not have excellent grades, but I dont think you should be so specific with not having money and having to work to keep studying. I know it might be true and I'm not saying you shouldnt mention that you came thru difficulties to finish school, but instead try to highlight other aspects of your person or your profile that can be interesting to a school, such as working for the government or pro bono work.

Finally, you definitively should ask a native speaker to check your essay, since it has some grammatical and drafting errors that, while minor, are very important to schools.

Best of luck,
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